It's probably true i used to blog about the most depressing thoughts but lately, i think being happy is much easier.

Just now, as the whole family bond and mingled together, it suddenly dawned onto me that everyone has started to speak in a different manner. The cousins that i used to run around in underwear with, can actually hold proper conversations that lasted for hours with that particular family friend. The baby boy who usually comes to me for hugs and kisses, now shys away.

Over the table, i silently watched my grandma have her dinner. Looking at her really breaks my heart. The way she handled her food and hovered around the buffet area. The way she struggled towards all her little grandchildren, making sure everyone of us had more than enough to eat. And then i saw grandpa look at her with a smile, passing over a stick of cigarette so that they both can take a break from all the hustle.

At that moment, i knew they have gone full cycle. Being the eldest grandchild, i was there to witness them enter their greying phase. And now, i'm afraid. I'm afraid to lose anyone. again. I don't wanna feel that sense of regret again. I don't wanna feel that i haven't done enough. I don't wanna feel like i didn't cherish what i had. I'm afraid of grandma growing any older. I wanna be there all the way. Just like how she, like a mother has been there for me.

I hope i will be able to do the same for my parents and for her. To hold their hands like they used to hold mine. To teach them words they taught me when they have forgotten. To never be too many steps behind just in case they fall. To share with them the love they have given me. unconditionally.